I don't want to quit.
But it's getting very frustrating.
I know I'm flawed. I love to get feedback. By nature, I'm a storyteller. I love to get applause and attention.
When I was working, the theatre and creative arts were the only way I could survive. I was in a profession where I was competent but not a star, where there was little attention or positive reinforcement. But I could go onstage and get the confirmation I craved— that I wasn't a complete loser, that there was something I could do well, and that people appreciated it.
I even had a period where I was writing entire books and self-publishing them. The first, History of the Trap, garnered some local attention and sold a few copies, with ebook sales of around 300.
But then...it slowly went away. I wrote another book and a couple of collections that immediately sank into obscurity.
I have an entire book, The Extra Credit Club, that I've never published. The initial advanced readers were mixed, and I lost heart. I didn't know how to fix it, and I can't afford an editor.
Since retirement, I haven't written any long-form stories. No novels. You would think I would have more time, but I haven't organized myself that way. Partly, it is a long time to spend on something that will never make any impact.
At one time, I was making an entry every day on The Strait Line. Since then, it has gradually diminished. I may end the year with about 50 entries.
I recently wrote my Halloween story, Halloween On ICE, and although it has some views, there has been no reaction —positive or negative. I finally got Alison to read it by posting it directly on her Facebook feed. Even then, it took her a day or two to find it.
So, yes, part of the problem is the social media feeds. Facebook doesn't post my blog posts to many people. Why? Because they think of my blog as a MONEY_MAKING enterprise, and that I should pay them to post it more widely. No, I'm not making any money off my blog. I'm even lifetime-banned from having advertising on it.
People who post directly on Facebook get more notice than my blog stories do. That is true...EVEN FOR ME.
It's also crushing to keep posting about the Orange Conman and not see any improvement in this area. People are not waking up in my Trumpian county, no matter what he does. No matter how rotten things get. Even when he symbolically dumps crap on them.
So, yes, not to sound like a teenage wannabe influencer, but the lack of feedback does get frustrating.
But there is another reason. One that I was not expecting.
I love being retired. I love being out of the rat race. I love not having to worry about tax season, or which loophole I have to find.
I like being with my pets. I love the time with Alison. Yes, I love reading and catching up on TV series and classic movies. I love my church, and I love being a lector, an intercessor, giving time and money to those in need, and even occasionally preaching. I love being more of a help in cleaning and taking care of the house. I love my library and reading at Story Time. I love seeing my granddaughter, even in FaceTime. I love my sons, sharing soccer games with my two older boys, and visiting the youngest, BenJerMan.
The drive to be famous, the drive to prove my worth, has diminished. I don't have to worry about a job that constantly crushes my soul.
So, part of the problem is the lack of feedback.
But it's also because I'm no longer haunted by my sense of inferiority.
I'll get in a better mood. Sometimes, I might write more, or do a play again.
But it'll be because I want to, Not because I have to.
Sincerely,
T.M. Strait
AOC '28
