Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A Descending Curtain of Shyness

There are many things that might hold a person back in our great American society.  But many of them are forgiven, excused or tolerated.  I have seen people advance in the workplace who are alcoholics, abusers, gamblers, racists and uncaring.  The one unforgivable sin, for most jobs in America that pay well or offer advancement is shyness.  If you hesitate at talking to new people, look unsure or insecure, be reluctant to call people on the phone, in many American jobs you will be eaten alive or discarded.  I fully understand this and respect this, but it is hard to deal with on a day to day basis.

Frequent comments I get, like when someone sees me act in community theatre, is "I didn't even know he could talk!"  I often get "What's wrong?  Why aren't you smiling?"  I have to feel like my whole family or job is on the line in order to call somebody on the phone.  I don't even social call my closest friends.

We all have our crosses to bear.  Physical and/or psychological things that are just a part of who we are.  My cross to bear is selective mutism.  For more details on this, please look at an article on it in wikipedia.  It is not an exact match as to what I deal with, and my problem only varies from mild to moderate, but I think it will give greater insight to anyone who cares to investigate.  I'm not complainin', I'm just explainin'.

It helps explain, for my high school friends, why my school experience was shadowed.  Why I might not have seemed friendly in the halls for example.  I was not a snob, I was scared to death.  With selective mutism, you have the ability to talk, you just feel so swamped in new social situations that you're not able to get anything out.  Once I felt comfortable with a group of people, I could come out more.  I think it's one of the reasons why, most of my school career I had such a high desire to date someone from my own class.  That way I wouldn't have  to establish a relationship with somebody new.  Of course, most girls in school are more interested in the exciting outsider than the same-old-same-old, so it made for an interesting, uh, non-match.

College was worse, in that classes were constantly changing - you hardly saw the same person for more than one course.  I might go a week or more without speaking to anybody besides my roommate or a few of his buddies.  I had one girlfriend two years younger who left me as soon as I got to University of Michigan, and a second one who left as soon as she got to the University of Michigan.  College was not conducive to somebody who was a selective mute AND didn't drink AND wasn't a conservative Christian.

Work has been interesting.  It hasn't been a complete failure, but given my relative intelligence and abilities, it hasn't been a swimming success either.  It's hard to think of many professions that reward shy people.  When I'm in a relatively closed group, I do think management does tend to see my value, but I always tend to fade in any new situation with new people.  And you can forget about sales call jobs!

Some will wonder, if you're shy, how can you act?  If you read the selective mutism article, you will see that people with this problem speak fine, and that indeed, many of them have an artistic bent.  With plays, there is no mystery.  I know EXACTLY what it is that I'm supposed to say.  In real life, I often don't know what people want.

I love plays not just because I enjoy the actual acting, but because it is a small group experience that binds people together.  I often start out practices very quiet, not really talking to anybody, and then get more open as the play goes along and I feel safer within the group.  The hard part of plays is that they end, and I find it hard to still stay friends with the people I met.  I have trouble going to see plays, or even visiting  practices or performances of plays that I'm not in, because the curtain of shyness is already descending.  I quickly feel out of place, that I'm an intruder, that I don't deserve to be there.  Nevertheless, I am currently doing everything I can to stay connected to Flying Dragon Arts Center even though I'm not in their current production.  I am doing my best, but like I said, I feel the shadow descending.

This can even happen with my family.  It doesn't last long, but I can even be shy when my wife leaves on a trip and comes back after a few days.  It doesn't last long, but it is there.  I seem to only to be able to do close relationships.  I have a much harder time with secondary relationships or casual acquaintances.

Facebook, which many criticize, has been a plus for me.  Again, if you see the description of selective mutism, online conversations, texting, etc are much easier for people like me.  It has helped rekindle some connections that I thought would never exist again.

I can work around it, and I will strive to do my best.  I have a loving family that I'm obligated to help support.  Even though my career might not be what it should be, they love me and I do contribute everything I can.  Just be patient with me if I don't seem to respond as quickly or as openly as you think I should.  I'll come around.

7 comments:

  1. Tom,
    You are a wonderful person. I understand that you feel shy around other people but you contribute so much to every group that you are a part of. I loved your description of the "family" that develops while rehearsing/performing a production. I remember feeling the same loss when a show I was performing in closed. Somehow I have lost that. I guess as my life has gotten busier and busier my brain just wants to move on to the next thing and I don't let myself take time to reflect on the wonderful activity I have been a part of. Thank you for reminding me of that.

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  2. "Selective mutism".. what a wonderful thing to call it. I had such severe bouts of it in college that I would entire evenings trying to think of at least ONE thing to say during a gathering. And that was with the theater department crowd - my major. I honestly believe I went the whole month of January once without speaking to anyone but my roommate. (I'm sure that's insanely exaggerated, but it sure felt that way at the time.)
    I've gotten better by now, but no matter how extroverted I may appear on occasion, I always revert to silence at some point, even if only to recharge the batteries. I have turned out to be very good at sales calls when I'm in the right frame of mind, but I loathe them as it is not a natural way of being for me.
    Glad I found your blog :)

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  3. Thank you so much for your kind comments. It was kind of scary opening up like this, but your reactions have helped make it worthwhile.
    Thanks!
    Tom Strait

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  4. I'm glad you wrote about this, Tom. I believe it will help other people who suffer from selective mutism. I was not aware of the condition until reading the play, "Hush, Little Celia". After doing a little research, I thought of several former students who more than likely suffered from some form of this condition. When we decided to do the play, a couple of people in our area spoke to me about children they know who have selective mutism. As an educator, I was kind of embarrassed I didn't know about it... especially as a middle school teacher where students who are non-responsive are sometimes seen as defiant and "troubled". From the cases I now know about, including yours, these people are highly intelligent and gifted, and theatre does seem to be a good outlet. Acting is a "cure-all", as we know!!!! I have seen students with mild forms of autism and tourettes and students with extreme shyness and speech impediments who - when focused and in character - never show signs of these conditions. It is good therapy where they are on a level playing field with everybody else...actually they are usually much better than the other actors...as in your case...

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  5. Thank you! As I've said, it's not an impossible problem, but it is something I must work around, and it does make me more sensitive to others when I see similar problems.

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  6. Thanks for sharing tonight and now with this re-post. I know exactly what you mean, I was like that for the bulk of my early life. Like you, I found I could read a poem in front of the class or have a part in a play and have no problem at all. But my very last day of college I was forced to give an oral term paper and I was terrified because it was me speaking. I think what eventually changed my behavior was I had to speak to many people for my job. The first audition I went to at WACT I was terrified but it got easier. The Meyers-Briggs personality inventory confused me, but now I realize I'm still basically an introvert because I have to have time by myself or I just shut down. I've never really understood people who can never be alone.

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  7. Interesting ~ I would imagine most of us have a "tinge" of this hear and there. I see myself here in what you've written. I'm much more comfortable with writing, or speaking in front of large groups than one on one. Writing is your refuge and I am sure your writing career will only get better and better ~ what a gift to be able to express yourself so well through words.

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