But I'm not going to be too negative. I promise.
When I moved to my new schedule, a semi-retirement that began in August 2017, I really wasn't sure what that would mean, what changes it would make in what I do or don't do.
The number one thing I have discovered -
I love being at home.
I used to go to different evening activities. I had to go to Waycross to work, and it was easy to transition into a Waycross area event. I would just leave work and go. Most of the organizations, especially theatre, were Waycross based. I would get out of work at 6 PM or later, and just go directly to whatever it was.
Now some days I am in Blackshear. And I don't want to leave. Going into Waycross seems such a burden. Even on days that I do go into work, I rarely stay until 6.
I continue to go to OHC Writer's Guild meetings, like the one I have tonight. That one is tough because the group is shrinking instead of growing, and I don't know what to do to reverse it. But I tough it out anyway.
I haven't been in a play for a while. Ostensibly, I was only going to participate in productions that Benjamin wanted to be in, but that was only part of it. I liked being at home. Somehow, the idea of being gone so many nights bothered me.
Acting parts that suit me are becoming rarer and rarer. Even parts that fit me are sometimes being given to younger actors. I still think I'm talented, but...okay, I don't have a really good explanation for it.
I did see pictures of me in Cuckoo's Nest from last Fall, and some of them startled me. I've always been stocky, but I had not realized I now had a basketball. I would really like to deal with that before I go onstage again.
My weight is making me feel very self-conscious. I have tried to make improvements in my life to deal with it, but so far, nothing has taken hold. It's not easy, but I'm not giving up. If I can modify just twenty to fifteen pounds, I might try out for Murder on the Orient Express in the Fall. If I can bring myself to leave the house that much. But let me reassure any director - if I try out for a play, it means I am 100% committed to it and will be an attendance leader.
It's been hard getting a rhythm. Sometimes I work more than at other times (tax season and an August audit). Sometimes I work more in the morning - sometimes more in the afternoon. As a creature of habit, it's been hard to be consistent when I do things, like with writing or other projects.
Being home is so comforting. I'm with my dogs and my books and my hobbies and the magic streaming TV, and even if I'm not carefully scheduled and organized, it feels good to have some space for once. I worked very hard for a long time in a profession that was not a good expression of who and what I am, and it feels good to step away from that. Do I wish I could step away full time? Of course I do. Is it likely to happen with a mortgage and a boy fixin' to start college? No, it is not.
But I do have more time at home. And I cherish it. Maybe I'll balance things out better. Maybe I won't. Right now, I'm going to do my best to enjoy the way things are. I won't stop dreaming, but I'll also try to enjoy what I've got.
Because what I got is a lot. A lot of the basketball can go, but the rest is pretty sweet.
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