Down on a Wednesday

 

Saturday Night Live has been on a long time.

And I have been there since the beginning.

One of my favorite bits from the early years was from a satirical commercial about dog treats, one  called Puppy Uppers, and the other was Doggy Downers.  It was making fun of how we were losing control of our pharmaceutical industry, and there was now a drug to help with any mood, even for our pets.

Things have skyrocketed since then, and drug advising has taken over television.  They promote tons of drugs to affect every mood or whim.  It's weird because these have to be prescribed by a doctor.  Do they think you're going to go to a doctor hyped up on these commercials and insist he prescribes it for you?  I guess so; otherwise, it doesn't make any sense.

👉 IMPROPERLY DONE SEGUE👈

So, as I have tried to warn my faithful few, not all of my posts can be Puppy Uppers. Some of them are Doggy Downers. 

I occasionally tend to depression.  Yes, even in the midst of these, I recognize how blessed I am. I have a beautiful family, relatively good health, and a stable life.  I have been able to indulge my passion for storytelling, even if it has not been particularly remunerative.

In fact, "not particularly remunerative" could be a major theme of my life. Without getting specific, I have never made what most of you think I have made.  I have pretty much been at the low end of the spectrum all my life.

I had a period where it was hard for me to keep an employer for very long.  That is more customary now, but it wasn't so much back then.  Most of my jobs were only a year or so, with two jobs topping out at about five years each.

Starting in June 1999, however, I have been fortunate enough to have the same employer through the present day.  That's 22 years in the same job.  It has provided base security, and it has been pleasant not to have to look for another job. I hate the application and interview process and am glad to avoid it.  

I am not a raging success at what I do.  I have been adequate enough to keep my job, and I do the best I can.  But there has been no upward momentum to what I do.  I have settled.

I have struggled for years now, trying to slowly break away from accounting and do more things that I love to do, with the hopes that some of them may replace some of the income I've lost.

That has not gone well.  When I first started this, I think some looked at me like a child who's just made a mudpie, and they pat him on the head and say patronizingly, "Good boy!" thinking all the time what a ridiculous waste of time.  Some just believed that I was indulging myself, and nothing would ever come of it.

They were right.  It may or may not be true that my writing/acting/voiceover stuff is too mediocre to succeed, but right or wrong, I think that what holds me back is the same thing that holds me back in accounting - a complete inability to engage in self-promotion and belief in one's self.

I don't know where to go from here.

My recent blog experiment was very disheartening.  I posted nothing new in April to see what the bottom line viewership numbers would be.  It was about 950 views.  Then in May, I posted 12 new blog posts.  Total viewership was about 1350.  Yep, the difference between trying and not trying was ... 400 more views.

I can't make money off my blog.  I've been permanently banned from advertising due to an error in judgment I made about a decade ago.  And it is my understanding that blogs are now considered old-fashioned and not the way you do things.

My fiction writing has crashed to a standstill.  I can't seem to carve out the time to write fiction - my schedule varies too much, and fiction writing requires more space.

I have a completed book that I'm too scared to send to publishers and agents.

My experiments in audio recordings on YouTube have been abysmal, even children's storytelling, which I'm supposed to be good at.

I haven't been in a play in a long time. I have nightmares that I go back to do a play, and it's not the usual "I don't know my lines" dream, but a "nobody likes you and wants you back in the theatre" dream.

And I've done nothing to be an extra or a very minor parts actor in Georgia's burgeoning film industry because I am too timid to make the basic steps to make that work, and I am depressed about my weight, age, and appearance.

There are no solutions here.

Just a major league kvetching.  I have to do that from time to time.

I promise a Puppy Upper fairly soon.