In the Event I Didn't Go To Your Event

 

Yeah.  That's right.  Things are opening up, ready or not.

And I'm not.

I apologize if you've recently had an event scheduled, and I disappointed you by not showing up.  I'm struggling to come back into the flow of things, but it's coming very slow to me.

Why?

It's not all COVID.  There's more to it than that.

For comparison purposes, I'll come up with the best percentages I can estimate for the different things holding me back.

20% COVID

I think things are getting better.  If nothing else, I believe that vaccinated people are in large part protected.  But it's still disturbing to go out and see virtually no one wearing a mask (this is true where I live - not sure about other areas).  And to know many of those going about maskless are unvaccinated, as the vaccination rates in Southeast Georgia are VERY LOW.

We are still in a race between vaccinations and variants, a race I still fear Southeast Georgia will lose.

The first time without masks at my church was very stressful.  I had had recurring nightmares about it.  But the fact is that my church has a very high vaccination percentage, perhaps the highest of any other gatherings in the area.  It still takes some getting used to.

50% SOCIAL ANXIETY/INTROVERSION

It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people.  A long time.  And this period of tremendously reduced social interaction has left me more withdrawn than ever.  I really panic over the idea of going out and trying to be social.

I have done better at church because I have never completely withdrawn from church.  I stayed active as Church Treasurer and as a member of the vestry (although many of our meetings were done through that most terrifying invention - ZOOM).  I even attended some services when our attendance was minimal and the safety protocols very strict.

I am having my most serious trouble with community theatre. I'm scared to re-engage with the theatre community, and I'm not totally sure why.  Like church, I've had nightmares, but these center around how they've turned their back on me and don't even want me there anymore.  I know it's irrational, but not everything about social anxiety is rational.

30% HOMEBODY

I don't dislike people.  Once I break the anxiety barrier, I like their company. But this pandemic experience has made clear one thing -

I like being at home.

I love my home life.  I love reading.  I love writing.  I love streaming TV.  I love being around my dogs.  I love my family.  

I am a homebody.

I used to slide into after-work activities because I got off work at 6, and I would go to them right out of work instead of going home.  

But now, with my choppier part-time schedule, I can't often make that transition.  I may have to go to work, go home, and then go back out again.  And that's not easy to do.  Because I am a homebody, and once I get home, I don't want to leave again.

I look at the commitment that a play would take, all the evenings away from home, and I'm just not sure anymore.  Yes, I hope to do theatre again, but it will have to be the right part and the right play.  And as I age, those parts become fewer and fewer.

It gets tiring having to prove yourself over and over again.  Even though I've done as many plays as anybody in the last twenty-five years, there are still many in theatre here who don't know who I am.  They are new to theatre or didn't see the plays I was in,

That's the biggest thing I've figured out about community theatre over the last several decades - it's not like film: it doesn't endure.  With very rare exceptions, everything is forgotten over time.  Making an enduring legacy is impossible.

Did that add up to 100%?

Ok, good.

I'm not saying you won't see me anymore.

I'm asking you to be patient.

i