Head Case

 Content Warning:  This is another (borderline) doggy downer, if you're inclined to skip that sort of thing.

People ask me frequently how I like retirement. Most of them, without often directly saying go, are wondering if I'm bored, and because of that (or money issues), if I've returned to some form of employment (self or otherwise). I am not bored, and I might do some self-employment things next year, but they would have to be stuff I enjoy doing and not something that would interfere with my ability to travel to see my granddaughter.

To be honest, though. I am struggling with something in retirement. And it's this - it accentuates my most significant mental health challenge - my tendency towards introversion.  

I know it's hard for others to comprehend sometimes. I'm a good public speaker and community theater actor.  In small group settings, if I get comfortable, I can be relaxed and conversant.

I describe my problem in two ways, both of which are related. One is selective mutism, which I have explained in other posts. The second is crippling insecurities - I can easily feel inadequate and overwhelmed.

People with selective mutism can perform quite well with scripts and structured communication, speaking, and writing. They are lousy in social situations, and meeting new people, and can feel overwhelmed when the unexpected happens.

With retirement, I am not forced to go to work each day and deal with new people and situations. Instead, I can stay at home as much as I choose. And I am choosing to skip engaging in events more and more.

I enjoyed being in the play Harvey last Fall. But it was quite an effort to pull myself into that every night. I will continue with theater, but it will be no more than once a year. And that makes it more challenging as I see the WACT people less and less. The more I'm away from a group of people, the harder it is to re-engage with them.

I have been able to participate in things at the library. Much of that has been with Alison. And I do enjoy that, doing things with her. I haven't read for Children's Story Time as much as I would like because I cannot bring myself to ask.

I don't make an effort to stay in contact with my old work. I do little to get my stories published or to gain readership. I will avoid running into people I know so I don't have to say hello or start conversations I am unsure of.

Not all, but part of this is I don't feel like I'm as good as other people. They are more talented and confident than me, and I have to prove myself to be worthy of them. I'm not telling you this makes sense; I'm just trying to describe what happens in my brain, right or wrong.

I'm not giving up. I'm going to do my best to struggle with this.

But if I miss your event or suddenly withdraw, please try to be understanding. I'm doing the best I can.