A Descending Curtain of Shyness

There are many things that might hold a person back in our great American society.  But many of them are forgiven, excused or tolerated.  I have seen people advance in the workplace who are alcoholics, abusers, gamblers, racists and uncaring.  The one unforgivable sin, for most jobs in America that pay well or offer advancement is shyness.  If you hesitate at talking to new people, look unsure or insecure, be reluctant to call people on the phone, in many American jobs you will be eaten alive or discarded.  I fully understand this and respect this, but it is hard to deal with on a day to day basis.

Frequent comments I get, like when someone sees me act in community theatre, is "I didn't even know he could talk!"  I often get "What's wrong?  Why aren't you smiling?"  I have to feel like my whole family or job is on the line in order to call somebody on the phone.  I don't even social call my closest friends.

We all have our crosses to bear.  Physical and/or psychological things that are just a part of who we are.  My cross to bear is selective mutism.  For more details on this, please look at an article on it in wikipedia.  It is not an exact match as to what I deal with, and my problem only varies from mild to moderate, but I think it will give greater insight to anyone who cares to investigate.  I'm not complainin', I'm just explainin'.

It helps explain, for my high school friends, why my school experience was shadowed.  Why I might not have seemed friendly in the halls for example.  I was not a snob, I was scared to death.  With selective mutism, you have the ability to talk, you just feel so swamped in new social situations that you're not able to get anything out.  Once I felt comfortable with a group of people, I could come out more.  I think it's one of the reasons why, most of my school career I had such a high desire to date someone from my own class.  That way I wouldn't have  to establish a relationship with somebody new.  Of course, most girls in school are more interested in the exciting outsider than the same-old-same-old, so it made for an interesting, uh, non-match.

College was worse, in that classes were constantly changing - you hardly saw the same person for more than one course.  I might go a week or more without speaking to anybody besides my roommate or a few of his buddies.  I had one girlfriend two years younger who left me as soon as I got to University of Michigan, and a second one who left as soon as she got to the University of Michigan.  College was not conducive to somebody who was a selective mute AND didn't drink AND wasn't a conservative Christian.

Work has been interesting.  It hasn't been a complete failure, but given my relative intelligence and abilities, it hasn't been a swimming success either.  It's hard to think of many professions that reward shy people.  When I'm in a relatively closed group, I do think management does tend to see my value, but I always tend to fade in any new situation with new people.  And you can forget about sales call jobs!

Some will wonder, if you're shy, how can you act?  If you read the selective mutism article, you will see that people with this problem speak fine, and that indeed, many of them have an artistic bent.  With plays, there is no mystery.  I know EXACTLY what it is that I'm supposed to say.  In real life, I often don't know what people want.

I love plays not just because I enjoy the actual acting, but because it is a small group experience that binds people together.  I often start out practices very quiet, not really talking to anybody, and then get more open as the play goes along and I feel safer within the group.  The hard part of plays is that they end, and I find it hard to still stay friends with the people I met.  I have trouble going to see plays, or even visiting  practices or performances of plays that I'm not in, because the curtain of shyness is already descending.  I quickly feel out of place, that I'm an intruder, that I don't deserve to be there.  Nevertheless, I am currently doing everything I can to stay connected to Flying Dragon Arts Center even though I'm not in their current production.  I am doing my best, but like I said, I feel the shadow descending.

This can even happen with my family.  It doesn't last long, but I can even be shy when my wife leaves on a trip and comes back after a few days.  It doesn't last long, but it is there.  I seem to only to be able to do close relationships.  I have a much harder time with secondary relationships or casual acquaintances.

Facebook, which many criticize, has been a plus for me.  Again, if you see the description of selective mutism, online conversations, texting, etc are much easier for people like me.  It has helped rekindle some connections that I thought would never exist again.

I can work around it, and I will strive to do my best.  I have a loving family that I'm obligated to help support.  Even though my career might not be what it should be, they love me and I do contribute everything I can.  Just be patient with me if I don't seem to respond as quickly or as openly as you think I should.  I'll come around.