Let me officially announce that I, Damn Strait, am running for Congress, to be the Congressional Representative for the First District of Georgia.
I will not be running as a Democrat.
I will not be running as a Republican.
I will be running in a new party, the Can'tBelieveThisFILLINTHEBLANKisReal Party.
Of course, to make it an official party, I only need to get like 7 million verified signatures from the 6 million registered Georgia voters. A daunting task, but I'm sure I'm up to it.
As anybody who actually reads my stuff knows (Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?), I am first and foremost dedicated to universal health care.
Here is how I propose to achieve it -
A glorious Three-Tiered System!
Tier One:
For those who can afford it....THE FINEST HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IN THE WORLD!!! Private hospital suites! First class doctors! Surgeries with no wait times!
As a special bonus, those who make incomes of $250,000 or more, we will give you AND your employers TRIPLE tax credit for your plans!!! Remember our party motto...WELFARE IS FOR THE WEALTHY, NOT THE POOR!
Tier Two:
The working class gets their very own...MEDICAL CREDIT CARD!!! Need to see a doctor? First, are you absolutely sure? If so, CHARGE IT!!! This credit card will cover all your costs, and you only have to make the minimum monthly payment, and let the balance accumulate with the low rate of interest of....35%.
Can't make payments? That's okay! You van declare medical bankruptcy, and everything you own and love will be stripped from you! You can do what every American dreams of...start once again at the bottom and work your way back up, Horatio Alger style, just like Donald Trump does! Especially if your Daddy has millions to make you flush again, or failing that, your friendly neighborhood Russian mobsters!
Tier Three:
For the rest of you, you will have the privilege of visiting a specially designated area called....MEDICAL EMERGENCY BACK ALLEY! Yes, everyone will have in the municipality or district, a specially designated street you can go to, lay out in the street Gone With the Wind Atlanta burning style, and have someone dressed like Scarlett O'Hara come to you and say soothing things like. "Oh, fiddledeedee! Why worry? Tomorrow is another day! Well,for me, maybe not so much for you!'
BAM! A plan that covers everyone! Some covered from head to toe in white sheets, but nevertheless, COVERED!!!
This is just the first problem solving plan in my bigly, detailed platform! More to come - INCLUDING.....
TWO GUNS IN EVERY POCKET!
AMERICHRISTIANITY NAMED THE OFFICIAL RELIGION OF USA!
INFRASTRUCTURE WHONEEDSASTRUCTURE? PAVED STREETS ARE FOR SISSIES!
WHO NEEDS SO MANY TV CHANNELS? WE JUST NEED FOX NEWS AND THE DUCK DYNASTY CHANNEL!
NO MORE IMMIGRANTS! UNLESS YOU'RE RICH AND NEED LAWN CARE AND/OR A NANNY! OR A RICH HOTEL/RESORT OWNER! OR CORPORATE AGRICULTURE! OR...WELL, OKAY THERE MAY BE MORE EXCEPTIONS THAN I ANTICIPATED BUT YOU GET THE IDEA!
Keep posted! More exciting details to come!
Collected Signature Tracker: 0
Amount of Contributions to Date: $0
Personal Investment to Date: $0.89. No, scratch that. Flash foods has a Baby Ruth for that amount. I'll start investing tomorrow. Maybe.
loved it! where do I sign up? ;)
ReplyDeleteDamn Strait isn't sure. He blew his budget on a Baby Ruth and now has to start from scratch.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's great! Love the cap!
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