Testification Reviseration: Saturday Political Soap Box 115

This is my testimony.  I went to church some, and it seemed nice.  I liked the people there, and it seemed to jibe with my belief that we should be good to each other.  I wasn't sure about everything, so I hesitated to committing fully.  But I read some more, both the Bible and some general theology, and I talked to the reverend.  Some of the basic concepts, like the trinity, clicked in my head, and then I was ready.  I accepted Christianity, committed to following Jesus, and became a confirmed member of my church.

What?!??!?!?!?  That's it?  That's your testimony?

Well, yeah.  I think so.  Doesn't that sound about right?

No!  Are you kidding?  You can't get up in front of the church and say that?  Where's the story, man?  Where's the drama?  Your testimony should bring people to their knees, it should make them praise Jesus, give thanks to the miracle of the conversion of such a rascally soul, make them want to follow you down that aisle to join them in glorious splendor of the redemptive word!

Oh. Uhhh, well, I was very impressed by that one writer and his expressing of the trinity being the faces of divinity, and....

Zzzzzzzzzzz!  You are just gonna put them slap asleep!  Tell them about your sin, man!  About how wicked you were, about now how much you've straightened out.

Wicked?

Yeah!  You know, how it stopped you from gambling....

Not really.  I've never really gambled.  I've bought a few lotto tickets, but not much to speak of....

Are you sure?  Are you sure it didn't almost bankrupt your family?  Didn't it lead you to steal money from your mother-in-law's purse?  Pilfer your children's allowance?  And now that you've accepted Christ, you'll never buy another lotto ticket again!  Right?

I really hadn't thought about it.  I mean, I spend about ten bucks a year on lotto. It's really no big deal.

Well, H E double hockey sticks!  You take drugs?  Carouse?  Ever vote for a Democrat?

No, no, and I don't think who I vote for is relevant.

Alright, we'll leave politics out of it, for now.  You and I will have to have a talk about that later.  What about violence?  You ever knock heads?

Gee whiz, I don't think so.  I think I pushed a bully down once when I was a kid.

Bingo!  There you go!

Bingo?  What do you mean?

You've always been dominated by these violent urges!  When you were young, you always wanted to wallop the crap out of them!  You pushed them down!  You threatened them with a knife....

A knife?  Where did that come from?

You didn't have a knife as a kid?

Well, yeah.  A boy scout pocket knife. 

So you admit it.  You had a knife.  What a dangerous, unchurched kid you were.

I don't think I ever threatened anybody with a knife.

How do you know?  You were a kid, and time makes things fuzzy.  It's very likely, given your violent temper.

Boy, that's a stretch.

But it's possible.  And you've existed all these years, trying to contain your temper, until that moment, faced with despair, your deadly knife in hand, when the Holy Ghost dropped you to your knees, and the very face of Jesus caused you to pray to God.  Yes, you were lit up by the Holy Trinity and you accepted Jesus into your heart, and your life was changed forever!

You've got to be kidding me.

And after you were saved, didn't you go camping last week?

Yes.  Took the boys to Lake Crowley.  Great time!

What about the bear?

What bear?

Didn't you see a bear?

We heard sounds of what might have been a bear.  You know, knocking around a garbage sack.

Are you sure?  Didn't you go out of your tent, stare down the bear, and by the power of your new Christ-like demeanor, scare the bear and sent him scurrying away, thereby saving the lives of your boys?

That's incredible!  And implausible!  Who would believe such a thing?

They all would!  Well, those who count, anyways.  Didn't you recently hide your co-workers from a marauding band of bandits?

That was a couple of copy salesmen from Pooler.

And didn't you just recently win a full scholarship to Walter White Theological Seminary?

Somebody suggested I should go to seminary, that's it.

Close enough.  Do you want your testimony to be listened to?  Do you want it to be dramatic and compelling?  Isn't the key to, by your words, bring more people into the loving arms of Christ?  How are you going to do that if your testimony is so boring people zone out?  I mean, just think!  If you make it exciting enough, maybe you could write it down, sell a whole passel of books!  Remember the prosperty gospel - God rewards those who most faithfully follow and give to him.  And who knows?  Maybe you could run for office someday!

This is ridiculous.  Not only is it deceptive, I don't see how anybody would buy this malarkey.  I don't see how any of this stuff would really work.

Of course it would work, if you say it with conviction and certainty.  I mean, it's working for Ben Carson, isn't it?

Oh.  You have a point.  I'll think about it.

You do that.  By the way, you didn't happen to do any brain surgeries since you accepted Jesus, have you?  Any healing would be an awesome clincher!

I did put a bad-aid on one of my son's booboos.  A couple of days later, it was completely healed.

There you go!  That's the spirit!  We are on our way!