Why I Now Support Donald Trump: Saturday Political Soap Box 161

Look at that wonderful man!  All the charming, smirking confidence of every high school bully you ever met.  And what more do you want in a President than the ability to brutally and senselessly attack everybody you know and love?

Hail to the Chief!

Victor of the 46th largest (out of 58) Electoral College victory in the history of the United States! Winner of the popular vote except for the millions of illegals that voted in states like California and New York that Crooked Hillary would have won anyway.  Thanks and a gigantic hat's tip to the Russians for all the support they provided, through hacked e-mails, and Russian trolls micro-targeting the crucial Rust Belt states.  Truly, he couldn't have done it without you.

Why do I support him?

1) He has bent over backwards to support every American

...except, of course, the undocumented, Muslims, African Americans, the media, Democrats, liberals, progressives, women, college students, the intelligence community, the Freedom Caucus, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

2) He's found Twitter and knows how to use it

He may not be able to use e-mail or operate a laptop.  He may not be able to read daily briefings, and have to have his updates in a few short paragraphs with plenty of pictures.  He may prefer Fox News, Breitbart and InfoWars to intelligence reports.  But no matter.  He knows how to insult and demean anyone on the planet in 140 characters or less. Heil Twitler!

3) He's going to turn his back on climate change and double down on heavily polluting fossil fuels

It's not so much that I don't believe in global warming.  I do.  It's that I want Blackshear to become beach front property.  Ka-ching!

4) He'll build stuff.  Maybe

He'll build stuff!  Like walls and hotels and things.  If he gets his proposed infrastructure program, not much may penetrate down to the worker level, but by god contractors will be swimming in it. A beautifully created contractor heavy program!  The whole country will learn what misdirected first draws mean!  It will be a perfect opportunity for me to quit accounting and become a....contractor! Woohoo!  I am riding the Trump train to gravy town!

5)  He's all about America First

Because our relations with other countries just don't matter.  I am so tired of less than 2% of our budget going to foreign aide.  Think of the rounding error worth of money we'll save, and how much all our foreign imports will cost, and how little other countries will want our exports.  Think of how exciting a world will be where diplomacy is neutered and aggressive bullying reigns supreme!

6) Shorter lines to public bathrooms

....because so many will be confused as to which bathroom to safely use now.

7)  I never liked Big Bird

Damn bird creeps me out.  You think the aristocrats on Downton Abbey would let their tax dollars be used to fund the arts, do you?  Well, okay, they probably would, but that's beside the point.  We need to save the money!  Someone's got to cover Melania's New York expenses, and Donald's Mar-A-Lago trips!  He's got to break Obama's golfing record!  What?  Oh, he may already have done that.

8)  You may not have to worry about that pesky Congress actually doing anything

Given the spectacular failure of TrumpDon'tCare, and the inability to pass anything of significance so far, you may not have to worry about Congress passing anything.  With the incredibly ineffective duo of insult machine Donald and Ayn Randian Ryan, combined with the superhuman stubbornness of the Freedom Caucus, we may see very little come out of this Congress.  And would that be a bad thing?

9)  Schools will return to what they once were

Exclusive and private.  Who needs everybody to go to school?  no more programs for special needs. No  more free and reduced school lunches.  We'll have private schools that know what the most important thing is - making money for their corporate overlords.  We'll also have private schools that indoctrinate into specific religious philosophies - hail creationism and the bible soaked constitution! If you want to go to college, you either need to come from a super rich family, or be able to saddle yourself with huge college loans with usurious rates of interest. And let's have campuses with complete freedom of speech for every right-winger, and firings for any professor to even hint at a left wing thought.   

10)  It's like watching the world's largest reality show!

It's like the Real Housewives and Duck Dynasty writ large!  Embrace your Honey Boo Boo and enjoy the show!  What could possibly go wrong?

Thank you for enjoying this year's April Fool's post.  Through it all, it should be clear,  that the Donald is, by far, the worst and most dangerous President we've ever had.  I pray every night that this country will survive him and eventually right itself.