Be Yourself Fever

Just to look at their pictures, they didn't seem like much.  But in person, they had a charisma that made them popular, sort of our school's Kennedy brothers.  George and Mike Eckes, two Catholic boys that were not afraid to speak out on politics, and whom girls swooned over.  Mike was my best friend in Junior High, and we ran for Student Council together, with him becoming President and me Vice President.  Whatever attention I got from girls, it was because I was with him.  George was a year older, and even more political than his brother, starting a club in high school centered on opposition to President Nixon, encouraging his impeachment even before most of the rest of us even understood what Watergate was.

We had a television station in our high school, and George was one of our anchors, our today show "Matt Lauer." One day he interviewed the candidates for Homecoming and became extremely exasperated that all the candidates answered every question he had to ask with virtually the same thing..."Be Yourself!"

After the interviews he started to mockingly chant it.  "Be yourself...be yourself...if I here that one more time, I'm going to throw a brick through a window!"  ...or some variation thereof.

It's easy to make fun of that vapid answer in context of beauty contestants, but many in our culture echo it.  My Facebook feed is filled with sentiments about being yourself and not living your life to the expectations of others.  Sometimes it's enough where I get to the point like George Eckes, and I just want to grab a metaphorical brick.

In theory, I don't disagree with it.  And I do have solid beliefs that run counter to many around me, and I'm less afraid to share them than most.  I pride myself in the fact that I often hear a quite different drummer.

Nevertheless.

I take great joy in acting.  I like slipping on other roles and persona, and getting in a zone where I am transported into the world of the play.  But the really big reason is that I can feel the audience,  I can sense their reaction to me, and it gives me energy and confidence. Call me shallow, but I love the applause and the accolades.

I start out in a play shy and withdrawn, not very talkative in early rehearsals, and then come out more and more as the play goes on.  I have a definite inferiority complex, and feel in the beginning that everybody deserves to be there more than I do, and it is only in proving myself, play after play, that I am worthy of being with others.

My accounting job is tough, partly because there are few applause lines.  Most people only recognize you when things go wrong.  I am rarely "myself" at work, because I am not secure in my contribution, and my hobbies and interests are alien to many of those around me.  I struggle to do the best I can, and play the role of "accountant" as best I can.  I have flashes of personality, but I am certainly not "Being myself".

I think that is how we all are.  We may have a small thread of identity, but mostly we just blend to our circumstances or different roles in life.  Actor, accountant, father, husband, church goer, writer - we are slightly different in each role as we try to match the expectations of others.

For me to pretend that I don't care how my writing is received is a lie.  I want approval.  I want recognition.  I want to go to the naysayers and have some achievement to show them and say. "Look!  I told you I could do it!"  And yes, rational or not, I want enough success at it so that I can finally close my extended run in my most difficult role - that of accountant.  I feel like one of those actors who got stuck playing in Cats for years and years.  It was interesting to start out with, but now you're ready to move on.

The Homecoming Queen nominees talked about being yourself, but I don't believe they had much of an idea what they were saying.  I think they said it because...they felt like they were expected to say it.  They all pretty much wore the same type of makeup, the same type of clothes, they all emphasized the most pleasing parts of their personality, and they all gave the same carefully bland answers to questions.

Be yourself, indeed.